A New Tradition at 80

My dad turned 80 the other day and my mom threw a wonderful party for him. Around 40 people attended. People flew in from all over the country for it. Over the course of the evening, about half of the guests got up and spoke about him.

There were people from every part of his life. One friend he made when he came to this country at the age of 4. Another when he was 8. Other people he’s known their entire lives. It felt like half the room had been at my bris (and I’m 51!). His friends spoke. My mom spoke. My sister spoke. I spoke. Our kids all spoke.

Everyone’s stories were different — but the underlying point was always the same. This is someone who cares. Someone who is loving. Kind. Decent. Generous. Honorable. Someone you really enjoy talking to and being around. Someone who is loyal and caring and steadfast. He heard that over and over and over again (literally twenty different times).

At one point, he turned to me and said, “This is like being at your funeral but happy.” He was exactly right. Except, why does this expression of love and admiration and support usually come when it’s too late to hear it?

We should create a new norm where part of turning 80 (or 70 or 75, take your pick) is that everyone in your life tells you what you mean to them. Sometimes it can happen in person. Sometimes it may need to be a video or zoom. But with all of the technology we have today, there’s no reason it can’t happen somehow.

It starts by making it a tradition that people expect. Just having it happen organically like it did for my dad is wonderful, but relying on that means it won’t actually happen most of the time. But if it’s an expectation, then people start to do it. And the more people do it and share it and enjoy it, the more others will follow. The result is all of us having the chance to see and hear firsthand what we mean to others, the impact we’ve had on their lives and what has made our lives truly worthwhile.

Will some people have no one to say nice things about them? Yes. But you reap what you sow and maybe the existence of this practice will lead more people to take stock of their lives and adjust accordingly. Change is possible at any age.

We don’t need a congressional resolution or anything formal to get this going. Ideally, it would start to become adopted in popular culture. In a perfect world, scenes in movies and tv shows with an octogenarian being honored and toasted (not roasted like some Comedy Central special about Tom Brady). We’d see it in novels. We’d see real life versions of it shared on Instagram and Tik Tok and YouTube. It takes awhile for new social norms to take hold but doing something both really nice and cost-free should be a lot easier than getting people to stop smoking or wear a seatbelt or pick up after their dogs.

The idea behind the party wasn’t to create a happy living funeral. It was just to get a lot of people together who love my dad. But what came out of it was so much better, so much more meaningful, than anything we ever expected. I’d love to see other people get to experience that too.